there is no happy ever after magic wand

Can't believe the lure was enough

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:26:19 GMT

Ugh.
I hate breaks. They make me feel completely useless. I never get anything done that I want.
Nothing ever goes according to plan.
Well fuck fuck fuck.

This was supposed to be a fun four day weekend.
.
Didn't do this.
That got canceled.
He's poor.
Me too.
He left.
Didn't finish that.

I was left unmotivated and unfocused.
Fuck! Now I've got so much shit to do.

I'm such a waste of gorram time.
I'm like a fucking time gremlin.
I dip my time in powdered sugar and donuts so it's empty calories instead of something nutritious for me.
Just Omnomnoming away.

Post hypnotic suggestions

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:43:35 GMT

Cuddles FTW.

I'm broke upon my insides.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 02:15:03 GMT

GODDAMMIT.

Sweetie, we’re crooks. If everything were right, we’d be in jail.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 04:07:16 GMT

I'm fragile. I'm emotional. I'm quiet. I'm jealous. I'm greedy. I'm lonely. I'm paranoid. I'm neurotic. Last but certainly not least, I'm shy.

This weekend has been awkward.
Third wheelin'.
Fifth wheelin'.
Fuck, just "unnecessary-wheel wheelin'"

"You're quiet."

"I'm tired."
I know. You're conversation excludes me.

There used to be this place this, thing that made me forget everything. I was in love. So so in love.
Then I just left it. Neglected it. Neglected myself.
You can't just come back to it and expect it to be the same. Because it won't be. It can't be.
Change happens. And you get what you deserve.
You neglect it. It neglects you.

Now what?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I hate that I'm upset. I hate that this isn't anyone's fault. I hate that things can't be the way they were. I hate that I cried the entire way home.
This is stupid. You're stupid.

Fuck. Even the dancing bears are mocking me. They're fucking bears. They're dancing. And they're happy.

I can't even express everything I want to say.

Replaced. Replaced. Replaced. Replaced. Replaced. Replaced.
Jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
Irrational.

Jasmin. STOP.
You're being an idiot.
Yes I am.

Some mother fucker always trying to ice skate uphill.

Every guy who has ever meant anything to me has let me down.
But I love them anyways.

BREATHE.
Inhale. Exhale.

Sorry mister blog. I've ignored you so long. And when I do pay attention to you, it doesn't make any sense.

Something a good deal more dangerous.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:48:44 GMT

Legos. Sex. Arrested Development. ha.

I know a lot of tits, Guv'nor. But I don't know any quite as fucking stupid as these two

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:40:48 GMT

*Sigh* So 2009 eh?
Hmm. Seems about the same as 2008 so far. I guess I really don't keep track of things by years, just occurrences.

Well I've been attempting to do my hair vintage style. Not that good at it yet. I don't know how those lovely ladies were able to set their hair all the time but it's absolutely lovely.

Ugh. I've been sitting at home watching Looney Tunes and the Twilight Zone all day. Woke up late and made waffles though.
Bugs really enjoys dressing in drag though. hehe

This post really has no point other than to just post. I think I shall go make cookie and read Watchmen.

Can you really blame me?

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 01:22:57 GMT

I can't vote for someone who I don't want to win. I just can't.
So I didn't! =D

Me:

Them:

All five horizons revolved around her soul

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 03:55:09 GMT

I love you.

I just don't know how to tell you.

I am a martyr and a victim and I need to be caressed

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:00:33 GMT

Almost.

She holds the hand that holds her down.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 23:58:24 GMT

I don't know what it is, or what's wrong with me, but

I
don't
feel
right.

Everyone keeps saying I look tired. I am.
I walk around with bags under my eyes.
Trip over my own feet.
They're not part of me anymore.

"She always did love to dance." I do.

It's hard to dance when I'm grasping on to each minute of every day in order
to finish one more problem
to finish one more project
to study for one more test
to sleep just a bit
to see you just a
little
l o n g e r

"Hope you don't mind..." I don't.
But I lied.
Of course I mind
I know I'm not the best
but I'm trying, gorramit.

Pulling at his own hair he says,
"You look like a crazy."
I know.

I'm lost.
I don't know where I am
or what I'll do

but I'll find my way out
somehow.
I always do.

L-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 04:18:15 GMT

*warning!...a bit cheesy!*

So it's almost been a year.

I haven't said it.

Neither has he.

You know what though? I'm completely ok with that. I'm not one to rush into something I'm not familiar with.
I don't like using a word unless I know what it means, and I'm learning.
Every day that he makes me laugh.
Every day that he kisses the top of my head.
How he doesn't even notice that I look like shit.
How he doesn't think I'm completely crazy despite the face that I am.
Even though I don't like it, how he makes me finish my homework before I can see him because he doesn't want me to fail or have to stay up till 4 in the morning doing my homework.

everyday is exactly the same.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:54:10 GMT

I'm just so tired anymore.

Everything I do leaves me exhausted.
Work.
School.
Homework.
Gym.
Dance (if I ever get to go anymore)

Also,
This sucks.

Lack of motivation = dumb Jasmin.

The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly.

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:57:01 GMT

Thank you.
You've been such an inspiration to me. You have no idea. I'm terribly sorry that things didn't work out how you wanted. How it should've been.
But like you said, you only get one life.
So, get out there. You're going to be okay.
I don't think you would've known it, or that you'd really even care, but I missed you.
I still don't have the balls to ask you to dance, but you asked me tonight. So, thanks.
Good luck with whatever you do, and I hope to see you back in 2 months.

And You!
Well I don't know what happened with us, we used to talk everyday. About anything. Everything. Tangents from one topic to another tangent.
I'm so glad I saw you when I did. Because it had been way too long for no real reason.
One day we will get our Fro Yo, even if we have to disguise ourselves and break into Squeeze.
You're one of my favorites. Even with everything that happened, sometimes it still bothers me to think about, you're always there.
Also, I love it when you guys fight over me. Really.

One more thing for tonight.
Ouch, dude. But, I hope you had fun.

Sometimes I forget I'm alive.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:31:17 GMT

"And the bad chemicals in his head were fed up with secrecy"

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 08:04:16 GMT

There are a lot of words out there that I wouldn't like to be associated with, BUT I still am.
Especially with that one word, that one stupid word:

BORING.

You can only tell someone they are boring so many times before they start to actually believe it.

It's an addiction. I can't stop. Must Trankey do

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 07:10:27 GMT

The Dipsy Doodle’s a thing to beware, - The Dipsy Doodle will get in your hair
and if it gets you it couldn’t be worse-the things you say will come out in reverse, like,
You love I and me love you-that’s the way the Dipsy Doodle works !

The Dipsy Doodle is easy to find, it’s almost always in the back of your mind
You never know it until it’s too late, and then you’re in such a terrible state, like the moon jumped over the cow hey diddle
That’s the way the Dipsy Doodle works !

When you think that you’re crazy – you’re the victim of the Dipsy Doodle
But it’s not your mind that’s hazy- it’s your tongue that’s at fault not your noodle
You’d better listen and try to be good and try to do all the things that you should

The Dipsy Doodle will get you some day –You’ll think you’re crazy, the things that you’ll say like
Rhythm got I and hot am I – That’s the way the Dipsy Doodle works !

She hates complications.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 06:19:35 GMT

Everything has been going alright lately.

I tried to donate blood yesterday but my body didn't want to. Apparently even my veins are as selfish as I am.
Oh well, now I just look like an inexperienced heroin addict.

I am such a little kid most of the time. Walking around in pigtails, wear little kids superhero shoes, pouting and making faces.
And it's especially easy to do when I'm around my brothers because it's like I never grew up. Always there for me and I fucking love them.

" He believed her. Made a face."

Anyways.
There's been a lot of talk about love recently.
And frankly, it's annoying.
Stupid four letter word.
A word people spend their entire lives trying to find. A word that causes them so much grief and sadness.
My friend was telling me his definition of love.

"When I said 'I love you' I knew I wanted to be with her for as long as I could. Cry with her, hold her, fight by her side...etc...etc..
Love is an entire life in one word."

Obviously that's not verbatim. But still, that's definitely terrifying. Now, granted I've never been in love, but I do love people. My friends, my family. I tell them I love them all the time. And I mean it, I really do. So why is it so hard for me to say it to someone who has seen me in a way no one else has?
This "life in a word" strikes fear into my blood-greedy-heart. Of course when I was a little girl (age wise, because as explained above I'm still a kid) I would think of growing up, dating, getting engaged...married, death etc. This love thing seemed so easy.
It isn't though is it?
I guess I just don't like his definition. It's not selfish of me to want to have my own life is it? Of course I'd like to share it with someone, but I don't want it to be our life. I don't like thinking about the future. Although I do it all the time. Just not that far ahead because whatever happens just happens.

Or perhaps I'm terrified of saying it and then having that "life" destroyed.
Maybe that's the point though, take a risk. Just live.
It's just...
I don't trust people. I have a hard time opening up. And that might be my childhood or some other psychological bullshit. But I just don't.
Things always have a way of unraveling themselves. No matter how much effort you put into something it has to come to an end sometime.
I'm such a pessimist.

Does this even make sense?
It doesn't have to.

I never have any idea what I'm trying to fucking say.

Cars pass in cold blood

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:45:00 GMT

I don't even know what to say. I've felt like crying the entire day. I had to choke down the tears while sitting in my cubical.
You know how when you have something really minty and then drink ice water it burns?
Yeah, well that totally helps in a situation like this.

Only a couple of times have I let anyone have this effect on me. I'm not sure whether to consider this a good thing or bad.
I've always thought of myself as a pretty resilient person and I hardly ever let anyone influence my thoughts and feelings very much. But what the fuck ever.

Gorramit.

Like she read my life...

Mon, 19 May 2008 05:40:39 GMT

"You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery."

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:25:47 GMT

science fails to recognize the single most potent element of human existance.

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 05:24:28 GMT

Fuck.

I need to stop being so:

Crazy.
    Paranoid.
        Angry.
            Neurotic.
                Introverted.
            Shy.
        Quiet.
    Boring.
Poor.

I can't live this way, please refill my soul

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:35:27 GMT

I'll admit, I'm too nice. But I'm never this nice.

Fresh baked cookies, chocolate cake, two mixed cds?

I don't have the time to be this nice.

This is stupid.

Anyways. I've been meaning to wrtie some lengthy entry about morals and stuff, but I keep forgetting.
peace out.

I contain a factory for producing my own prison

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 10:15:36 GMT

Fuck.
Fuckfuckfuck.

The first time in a long time I get to go dancing and I can't go because of my stupid fucking knee.
I don't know if anyone understands how much I need this.

Nothing. Nothing makes me feel like swing makes me feel.
And the feeling of it being stripped away is so hard.
I'm probably just being melodramatic.
But fuck. It's been almost a month.
And it's spring break. All I wanted to do was dance my ass off.

I wish I didn't like you so much.

I'm a thinker and a fisherman

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 07:39:42 GMT

There's a change in the weather
There's a change in the sea
From now on there'll be a change in me
My walk 'll different, my talk and my name
Ain't nothin' about me gonna be the same
Gonna change my way of livin and if that ain't enough
From now on I'm gonna strut my stuff
Nobody loves you when you're old and grey
There'll be some changes made today
There'll be some changes made.

please give me directions I think I just caved in.

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 08:14:43 GMT

God, time to unload some crazy here. I'm not sure if I'm actually anxious/paranoid or if it's just the coffee I had.

I'm absolutely freaking out. About what? Everything.

School
Money
Dancing
Boyfriend
Car
Friends
Deadlines
Exams

Everything. EVERYTHING.
Good god, I'm almost crying. Why? I'm not even sure. No, it's not that whole time of the month shit. I just get random freak-outs every once in a while. Usually I'm good at keeping it under wraps though. Slowly letting it out here and there when people think I'm just being silly. Most of the time I am just being silly. Don't get me wrong. Every now and then it's my neurosis coming out.

I've always had pretty strong ideals of what a relationship should be like. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay true to them though.
Fuck.
I'm not meant for this shit.
I'm neglectful, I'm paranoid, I'm emotionally and physically unavailable.

It doesn't help that school eats up all of my time. I haven't been to Lindy class in a month. A MONTH. Dancing is what keeps me sane. Yet I can't do it because I'm at home doing homework which makes me lose it. I absolutely hate doing the same thing over and over and over. It's awful. I fall into a routine.

Sorry I'm such a whiny boy. I have to empty the crazy bucket every once in a whle or I will either slip into a comatose state or just flip out on people who actually care about my well being. I'm not okay with either of those last two options.

Peace out.