Anyways.
There's been a lot of talk about love recently.
And frankly, it's annoying.
Stupid  four letter word.
A word people spend their entire lives trying to find. A word that causes them so much grief and sadness.
My friend was telling me his definition of love.

"When I said 'I love you' I knew I wanted to be with her for as long as I could. Cry with her, hold her, fight by her side...etc...etc..
Love is an entire life in one word."

Obviously that's not verbatim. But  still, that's definitely terrifying. Now, granted I've never been in love, but I do love people. My friends, my family. I tell them I love them all the time. And I mean it, I really do. So why is it so hard for me to say it to someone who has seen me in a way no one else has?
This "life in a word" strikes fear into my blood-greedy-heart. Of course when I was a little girl (age wise, because as explained above I'm still a kid) I would think of growing up, dating, getting engaged...married, death etc. This love thing seemed so easy.
It isn't though is it?
I guess I just don't like his definition. It's not selfish of me to want to have my own life is it? Of course I'd like to share it with someone, but I don't want it to be our life. I don't like thinking about the future. Although I do it all the time. Just not that far ahead because whatever happens just happens.

Or perhaps I'm terrified of saying it and then having that "life" destroyed.
Maybe that's the point though, take a risk. Just live.
It's just...
I don't trust people. I have a hard time opening up. And that might be my childhood or some other psychological bullshit. But I just don't.
Things always have a way of unraveling themselves. No matter how much effort you put into something it has to come to an end sometime.
I'm such a pessimist.

Does this even make sense?
It doesn't have to.

I never have any idea what I'm trying to fucking say.